Sometimes, looking back at articles you have written but not published is a kind of self-knowledge. You did not understand that person’s mood at that time, just as you cannot understand that person’s mood now.
The following was recorded on October 6, 2019
According to the original plan, I should still be on the way across, preparing to cross 5 mountains from the southern Tianshan Mountains to the northern Tianshan Mountains. And now I am on the plane returning from Urumqi, lying in the seat and typing on my mobile phone; I will be back in Guangzhou in five hours.
I like simple pricing conversations, so I chose first class. This does not mean that I am a rich person, it is just a matter of everyone’s understanding of value. When I see their professional politeness and smile to me, I will reciprocate the reciprocal kindness. Equivalent exchange is the basic logic of peaceful coexistence on earth. And sometimes in conversations with different experiences and different classes, even if you express goodwill, he or she may not treat you politely. It is a reasonable way to use substances as weights to participate in balance. The most stable element in the universe is AU, which is civilized and strategic, and can make communication smooth and etiquette progress.
Outside the window are snowy mountains and deserts, as well as the unique crimson red land of Xinjiang. I was supposed to be trekking through it. As far as I could see, the mountains and rivers we see today were formed by the mighty orogeny that occurred hundreds of millions of years ago.
For this trip, I really didn’t expect to decide to leave the mountain after only two days of traveling. However, I finished the last piece of work late at night before departure and started packing my luggage. I really feel that the consequence of insufficient physical training is that I feel tired and have to quit the game. But before, I was always full of adventurous spirit, hoping to show my brave side in the stormy waves, but now I am like a rat, suspicious of ghosts and rumors, looking into the distance worriedly.
The weather in northern Xinjiang will change quickly in October, and heavy snow may fall all over the sky in a few days. The yaks and horses seen on the road are still trying their best to dig forage. They have been domesticated and herded wild in the canyon. Even if no herders appear for months or even half a year, they will not disperse or go far. However, they still maintain the sense of crisis that has been fixed in their genetic evolution. They will collect and store forage as long as they are free. Be gentle and respectful, and keep aloof from the world.
After walking for two days, he was always at the end of the team due to physical reasons. The gradually widening distance should be close to two hours. For a long time, I walked alone in the wilderness, like an abandoned child after the death of the earth. As far as the eye can see, apart from the white snow in the wilderness, there are stones cut by the wind for thousands of years. I am not afraid of being alone in the wilderness.
Suddenly for a moment it felt very meaningless. Why am I trekking and adventuring in these wilderness? This is not an unprecedented path, I am a newcomer. What is the purpose of my trip like this? We all already know that the mountain is beyond the river, and the meadow is beyond the cliff. There is no land in the world that humans do not know. And is there any point in exploring? In fact, I'm not even exploring. With the undercurrent of this cowardly thought, the determination to leave became stronger.
A few years ago, I would have endured and persevered, because it might have been simpler before. I just wanted to cross these mountains and rivers. The reason that directly leads me to return from the mountain now may be: I have become better at using simple algorithms to weigh the pros and cons. If I am just walking, what is the purpose?
There is a horse team behind me, responsible for helping us transport supplies. Composed of four Kazakh herdsmen and six or seven horses, they always wait for us to get up before packing up the camp cooking utensils. They set off a few hours later than us, but even so, they still need to arrive at the next camp one or two hours earlier than us to start preparing the big tent.
After waiting for more than two hours, the cavalry arrived. Exhausted and overwhelmed, I finally chose to go out. The Kazakh herdsman who went out with me in the mountains traveled through these inaccessible places all year round. He was kind and enthusiastic, and he shared the horse meat with me when he returned to the camp. He thought I was a tired, silent tourist.
Due to language barriers, we can only express kindness through body movements and smiles most of the time. We still tried to talk a lot that night at the camp, about his ancestors, ibex and wolves. He is fifty years old and is very familiar with this land. He has walked through the dangerous glaciers many times, and he drives cattle and sheep to migrate with the seasons every year. He owns a motorcycle and a house in a village in Hutubi more than ten years ago. This is an honor for him. After all, their ancestors have lived in the mountains of Langta without a fixed residence. A stable and healthy residence has never been achieved since their ancestors.
Wolf Tower is just a name for those of us who are outdoors. They call it Lant, which means a vast pasture. It is hidden deep in the Haberga Mountain, a branch of the North Tianshan Mountains. For thousands of years, wolves have followed the sheep and cattle and have also thrived in Lant Ranch. I think this may be a war between countries a thousand years ago, which forced some ancestors to escape the war and migrate to these places. In addition to the ancestors, they also have their cattle, sheep, wolves and bears that thrive to this day.
When people from humble backgrounds come to big cities, most of them have only two endings: their humble beginnings due to their genes, and their resistance to their status and their confrontation with the entire society, in an attempt to prove their worth in the world. This Kazakh herdsman should have been born in poverty, but he never thought of leaving this land. He lived a simple life more like a wild horse, rather than trying to fill a gap. He is free, unlike people like us who like to deceive the world and talk high.
The night in the wild is particularly peaceful. You can see the starry sky and the Milky Way. This is the tranquility and ethereal feeling I like. I thought a lot that night, as always eager to understand the broad philosophy of who I am, where I am, and whether I am real, and I may never follow these lines again in the future.
In these years, I can't help but think about some business every day, hoping to make money. At the same time, I tell my customers that I try my best to do my best. Some of them are true and some of them are lies. I hope to gain more freedom as I grow older. I used to think that freedom is actually based on finances, but now, freedom is not based on finances at all, and as these material things become more and more, they seem to be more and more addictive.
In fact, I don’t feel frustrated. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve let down the years, or because the years push people hard and make everyone who is not satisfied with the status quo worry about gains and losses.
When I was young, I wanted to do some shocking things. I often felt that I could not obey God or submit to fate. Nowadays, what often echoes in my ears is "what should I do to survive, so I will do it."
Everyone hopes to have a unique life. He doesn’t want others to tell me what the pros and cons are, and he doesn’t want to waste his life. In the evolutionary sequence of amino acids, there is only one evolution. From embryo to death, it is so precious that not even a second can be abandoned.